We do underestimate people with disabilities. A friend in a wheelchair tells me that when they go to fill in forms somewhere, often the person will turn to her husband and ask, “What is her date of birth? Where was she born?” etc. An acquaintance who is blind says people shout at him, assuming he is deaf as well, and — more importantly — they leave him out of interesting conversations, no doubt on the basis that he is blind and therefore unable to understand.
I am just as guilty of underestimating Don, and I do it again and again.
We planned a dinner in Sydney to celebrate our son’s 40th birthday. We agreed not to tell Don, because it would simply be cruel. Firstly, he would be terribly disappointed at not being part of it, when I was going and he wasn’t, and secondly, he might not accept his limitations and would try to insist on going.
I eventually told Don that “a bunch of Ross’s friends” were planning on going out to dinner on Saturday night, to one of Ross’s favourite restaurants, to celebrate his birthday. Don was terribly touched, quite emotional at such a gesture and thought it a wonderful idea. Then he said, “Why don’t you go, Barb? Phone them and see if you can go along too.”
I was a bit taken aback (not to mention a bit ashamed) and I said feebly, “Wouldn’t you be disappointed if I went and you didn’t?”
“No,” he said. “I think you should go.”
After this generous response, I started to re-think the impossibility of his attending, and made some phone calls to see if I could hire a wheelchair vehicle. It’s a two-hour journey there, then the dinner, then two hours home to make a very late night back to the nursing home, maybe midnight — but still, not impossible. And it would be such a very special occasion if Don was there.
I had trouble tracking down a vehicle, and had not yet even discussed the idea with the nursing home, but I told Don what I was planning. He just shook his head. “No, I won’t go,” he said quite firmly. “But I think you should go. Represent both of us.”
So there you are. I keep being over-protective, or making his decisions for him and treating him like a child, or underestimating his commonsense not to mention generosity. It’s rather humbling.
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